The Cobbing: Curse of the Corn

by **Zwei** Fri Aug 12, 2016 10:16 pm

So uh, my friend wrote this weird story and I'm going to share it with you because the burden of knowledge it too great. I am not responsible for this masterpiece, that would be my friend, Laura.

Warnings: Corn, Onion, humans?, walrus, HIGH NOON

The Cobbing: Curse of the Corn

The ugliest thing I have ever seen is corn. I once went to my buddy’s house, or so I thought, to retrieve the delicious food item but I was totally hecking lied to. I tried to have the hot good food and I was disappointed. My first sense of fright was when it attacked. I’d always seen warm poppy corn to be a saviour of men but it burns my soul. I was first offered the corn by a good ol pal chum bud of mine and I’d hoped that maybe he’d HECKING COOK IT first, so I popped the thing right up into the hot oiled skillet and was ready for the yummies. After flinging the yellow beast into the walrus grease I was amazed as it cried to me in the language foreign to me and my (bud pal chum friend man thing….human?), but soon it grew eyes. Not potato eyes, but equally as irritating and disgusting.

It began to sprout legs and resisted the grease with its large forearm, smashing my friend into the still slippery cool goo that had now become the slime in the skillet. As he fell, corn kernels leapt into my friend’s nose, taking over his body and turning it into a corn husk of a man. It was horrifying and my last thought was what could happen had I thrown a radish in instead because they’re too bitter and would probably kill my butt, let’s be real, I’d be one of those Japanese monsters for saunas. So as my buddy friend home-dawg skillet man became a creature of another dimension, and would probably be the biggest corn to ever be bought for home use, I flung my glasses off as the corn began to glow in bright colors. It was summoning.

It grew teeth and its hissing hit levels of unfathomable, leaving me only to weep as I covered my eyes with onions nearby. It was the only release from this hell as I felt corn begin to pop around me and the air fill with the smell of sweet and sour corn nuggets. My no longer buddy pal chum friend man thing was now lifting his corn husk face from the ground that had tried to suck him into the homeworld, his voice crackling and popping like that cheap ass cereal with the elf things. He was. What was he? A corn cob, but not a man with a corn cob pipe. Sadly, that might’ve been enjoyable.

Anyhow, as this corn thing and my lost husk were yelling now and the room looked like an lsd trip, my only solace could be found in pressing these onions even further into my corneas. My tears now were insatiable. Tears, not pears. My own fear resembled a child who was force fed brussel sprouts and was told that spinach was the only key to life itself. Clearly it was corn. As the waves of corn washed over me, I felt my soul ripping from my body. I had to stop it before it was too late, and as my friend screamed in agony, I covered myself in a pile of even more onions to prevent the change in atmosphere. It was only fair that if this room was to become corn haven, I would be the devil itself.

Using nearby husks, I fashioned a robe of onion. As my stench levels reached over 9,000kg, I felt my body become weightless. As I floated upward, I knew my only chance was to fight this monstrosity. To protect my buddy friend pal and to seek vengeance on the corn that had so rudely interrupted my eating experience, I was preparing for produce battle. It was high noon. The corn reached out with its gangly husk legs, kicking onions off of my biceps. I was not phased. Grabbing them before they flew off, I shoved them into my nostrils. I couldn’t take the risk that my friend had took before, inhaling the corn’s demons.

I lunged myself forward, yanking the corn’s head and kicking it in its many eyes. It wept. As I kicked, a few of its hundred eyes closed shut permanently, and my friend lay limp on the ground. Only then did I understand without this corn, he would perish. I questioned if I should sacrifice myself to the corn monster to save us both, but a warm corny corn soup life would be worse than running for the school board.

I looked at my old corn friend and knew it wasn’t worth it. He would want this to end. I slam diddly dunked this corn right into the garbage disposal. I pressed that mother hecking button and it swirled and screeched as I let its face fall apart in the cold unwelcoming hole in my friend’s sink. As the corn shrunk three times that day, my friend began to flash red and gold. He was growing stronger. I knew one thing and one thing only, he needed onions in his corneas. Maybe then he could stop being possessed. So I ripped the onions from my chest and flung them at his face, shoving as many as I could into his nose and eyes. As I relinquished the onions to my friend buddy pal chum homie he slowly floated above the ground and the portal closed. His skin changed from many shades of yellow until it returned to its usual yellow tint.

As his body reformed before me, I felt tears well up in my eyes. He was being set free from corn confines. He collapsed onto the walrus grease floor, the slime tipping ever so slowly off the stove. My deed was done. I left a note detailing the events and drove away, my onions stuck in the car door. I bring this tale as a warning of what can happen when you buy unauthorized corn products. May onions be with you. Bless.

THE EDN